Mourning Without Death

When I was younger, I had a dream of what my family would like look: I was going to marry another teacher and, together, we would have four children. We would have every weekend off and our summers would be free to take vacations where ever we wanted.

When I met Mike, I still hung on to that dream. As we aged, I began to realize this dream would never come true. Mike already had two children, so for us to have four together would mean Mike would then have six children. That's not really financially reasonable in this day and age. While it would be possible for Mike to get a Monday to Friday 8-5 job, "that" is not him. Mike is a shift worker, through and through. So there went our weekends off together. On top of that, being a government worker, Mike only gets three weeks holidays in a year. Buh-bye eight weeks of summer holidays together.

The other night, I had a little cry at the loss of this dream. But it's not just this loss that I mourned...I mourned everything that "normal" families have that I don't. I never had alone time with Mike to be a newlywed, before kids enter the picture. That time in life where you get to go where you want, when you want. When you get to stay up all night, watching movies and sleep in the next day. Where you don't have to buy proper groceries - it can just be hot dogs, canned icing and blue whales if you want. That time when it is just you and him, and you are the sole focus in each other's eyes.

Right from day one, I have had to be someone's role model, guardian, chaffeur, maid, laundromat, cook, nurse and personal shopper. Since the age of 20, I have been signing school waivers, packing lunches, attending parent-teacher interviews, cheering on hockey games, buying school supplies, cooking suppers, doing laundry, changing diapers, sitting through operations, keeping the house clean and tidy, stopping arguments, handing out groundings, filling Christmas stockings, designing Halloween costumes, buying clothes, returning said clothes "because they're not cool" and the list goes on and on.

I mourn the fact that this will never be a "normal" family...there isn't usually a 17 year gap between the oldest and youngest child. I worry that Mike's mom will get upset if we treat "our" children differently than Colby or Joel...if our child gets something that C or J didn't because we didn't have the money at the time. Or that she will get upset if our children get to go on more vacations (again, because we didn't have much money when C & J were younger). I even mourn the fact that Mike and I will never get to pose in front of our fireplace with "our" children...like all of my friends get to do.

I mourn the fact that none of this will be new for Mike. Even when we got married, I was feeling...I don't know what the word is, but I was feeling upset? that when Mike said his vows, this would be the second time he would say them. That this would be the second time he would wear a wedding band. That he had done all of that before. I worry that the birth of our child won't be as exciting for Mike since he has done it twice before.

I feel like such a hypocrite as I type this because it makes it sound as though I am ready to walk away from all that I have. I'm not. And I never will. It's just taking me longer than I planned to be okay with this...with having a different life than I had planned for myself. And even saying the words "to be okay with this" sounds terrible. But I don't know how else to describe it. I know that this is where I am meant to be. I cannot imagine my life without Mike by my side. But my heart hasn't totally accepted that the dream I had for myself is no longer a possibility. And I don't know how long it will be until it does. If it ever does.

At the same time, there are advantages to the life I have. In one word...Joel. While I could choose to say no one else I know has to deal with a child with a handicap, I would rather say no one else gets to experience life with a child with a handicap. There is not enough room on this blog to list all the things Joel has taught me in my life. Enough said.

On top of that, I am already parenting children through those awkward teenage years. I have already dealt with the crappy part of parenting...phone calls from teachers, disciplining for things like neglected school assignments and leaving things to the last minute; stubborn/defiant behaviour; name calling etc. I have been through that already and I will hopefully take the positives I have learned and apply them to my own children, while making changes to the things that didn't work quite so well.

Before this turns into a 500-page novel, I will leave it by saying this post is just a vent for me. I would not change where I am or who I have in my life for all the riches in the world. Oh, who am I kidding...if someone offered me all the money in the world to tell Mike and the boys to hit the road, I'd do it in a heartbeat cuz I'd be going shopping :-)