As my due date creeps closer and closer, I find myself suddenly becoming very, very scared. By this point, most women are afraid of the impending labour and delivery. Not me. I just can't be afraid of something I've never experienced and I don't know what contractions feel like. I know what my chest pains feel like so I tense up when they begin. I know what my gall stone attacks feel like and I REALLY tense up when they start. I can't help but wonder if either of those two things are maybe worse than contractions? We'll just have to wait and see.
So, if it's not the labour I'm terrified of, what is it? The thought of ending up with post partum depression scares the bah-jeezus out of me. As I sit and type this, Baby Taves is wiggling and squirming in my belly. I am so excited to meet her. I'm going to guess that finally getting to say hello to her will be comparable to cuddling a million kittens all at once. I guess if you hate cats that would be more like a nightmare. But I loves me a sweet baby kitty and I can only imagine that a baby will be like that, times a brazillion.
I just cannot fathom having any other feeling towards this wee squiggly Baby other than pure love and adoration. I know that frustration can be a common feeling, but I also know that with severe PPD, Mommas sometimes want to put their babies in the microwave or throw them down the stairs or they just quit caring about them. And I just cannot imagine ever ever ever feeling like that about my baby.
But the reality is that I also never imagined that I would so seriously contemplate ending my own life, but that's exactly what happened this summer. Many, many times it happened. And each time I pulled myself from "that dark place", I just shook my head in awe at how utterly retarded those thoughts were. But they kept coming back and I was powerless to stop them. I've said it once and I'll say it again...hormones are a ridiculously powerful thing.
So, if I've already experienced thoughts I never imagined myself capable of thinking, that's why I'm so terrified of harboring ill feelings towards a tiny little baby. And that is scarier than any contraction will ever be. The only two upsides are that I am at least on guard and aware these feelings are a possibility and I will be seeing my counsellor on a weekly basis after Baby is born. It's nice to know that if I'm not able to keep an eye on myself, someone else will be.
Just remember that the first 10 days you'll experience the "baby blues" but don't let that scare you, it's not PPD.
ReplyDeleteYou might actually suprise yourself at how strong you are after you've endured labour - and come out on the other side with whole new level of confidence.
Good luck!! Call, email, any time if you need someone to talk to!!!!
Also, there is a big difference between post partum depression and post partum psychosis. PPP is VERY rare. (There was a very good article about this in "Mothering: Natural Family Living". If interested, you could e-mail them about which issue it was and order a back issue, which is cheap. Plus it's an awesome magazine. Anyways.)
ReplyDeleteI think the biggest thing is having good supports in place (which you do), not being in denial & refusing help when problems arise (which you don't), and taking care of yourself after the baby is born.
Getting sleep sounds like a contraindication with a newborn, but you really must not try to do it all. Let the house get dirty. Order pizza every night. Let someone else do the laundry. Enjoy your baby and nap with when she does. Seriously. At least for the 1st 6 wks. Take your vitamins, eat properly, and drink lots of water. Try to take walks outside. When my babies were born in the winter, I put them in a baby bjourn under my winter coat and they were toasty warm.
You'll do great.
And to add to my essay, I'm sure you will love her right away, but another normal feeling is shock. I felt in shock for at least 2 days everytime. "What kind of trauma did my body just go through?" "Who is this little person?" "Was this huge thing really inside me for 9 mos?" Being in the hospital is weird. Then bringing the baby home is weird again. But it's all good.
ReplyDeleteIt is very exciting when baby finally comes(wow Laena that was pretty profound) Speaking as a mom who baby screamed for the first 9 months of her life...the only advice I can give you is sleep when she does, let the normal chores slide a bit, and don't feel bad if someone calls and wants to come over, and you want to rest, be up front, say no another time and take care of you.
ReplyDeleteYou will do great!
I really, really, really appreciate the tips and advice. I'm so thankful for my blog and for FB where I can put a shout out for help and know that there are other mom's out there who have been there, done that and came out glowing on the other side. While I didn't plan on this blog turning into a mostly pregnancy/baby blog, given that this IS my life right now, I suppose it's only natural.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, thank you guys so much for your support. Keep it coming :-)