Eleven days after Katelyn was born, I decided to go on anti-anxiety meds. This first year of her life was too precious for me to be freaking out and not enjoying it. I had hoped that the pills would lessen the invasive thoughts of wanting to harm Katelyn. They didn't. I had hoped the pills would lessen my OCD. They didn't do that either. So, two months ago, I asked myself what was the point of being on them? After talking with my psychiatrist, we began the process of weaning me off the pills. As of last Tuesday, I am med free :-)
As I look back on the last ten months, I realize that although the pills didn't work in the way I had hoped, they still managed to alter my personality. Months three through six were a horrible, horrible time, but that's because the pills were negatively interacting with another short-term pill I was taking. During that time, I was hostile, aggressive, bitchy and any other adjective you can think of for the word "angry". I like to refer to that period as my "mad cow months".
For the first time since June 2009 (when ante-partum depression kicked in), I am finally feeling like the real me again. The me that acts nutty and crazy and impulsive, but that is also stubborn and angry with a whole lot of affection and humour thrown into the mix. Yes, there are days when I wish I had a different brain and didn't have to analyze every. single. thought. that enters this over-sized head of mine. But in that same moment, it makes me feel better to just smile a crazy Joker smile into the mirror and remind myself that this is the me I was meant to be.
Cue the cheezy music as I run off through a field of daisies.
In a straight-jacket.
Being chased by asylum security.
I really do love being me :)
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