The Sacrifices We Make

I may delete this post after writing it.  I don't know.  What I do know is that this blog has become a journal and there are times where I just sit and type and type and type and never post.  We'll see what happens with this one.

There are many different ways that a mother sacrifices for her child.  Sometimes it's in the form of returning to work outside the home so there's enough income.  Sometimes it's deciding to stay at home and forgoing that income.  For myself, I'm going to sacrifice my personality for the sake of Katelyn's and my safety.  Sounds a tad heavy, doesn't it?

I made the decision back in the summer to go off of my meds.  I didn't think they were working and I didn't like how they altered my personality.  I felt like I was flat-lining...not feeling the lows, but also missing out on the highs.  My anxiety was through the roof and the OCD increased.  Along the way, I gave up some personal relationships because I had no energy to invest in them.  To sum up - tons of anxiety, zero personality and I lost some friends - doesn't sound like a very effective prescription, now does it?

In the weeks since I've stopped the meds, I've had some scary moments - slipping back into my old way of thinking and, to put it nicely, it scares the living shit out of me. The thoughts just aren't stopping and the anxiety is increasing and, because of this increase, my thoughts quickly turn to, "Just take yourself out of the equation - that will keep Katelyn safe".  In the moment, these thoughts make perfect sense and it is such a simple solution - if I'm not around, Katelyn will be safe.

I cannot express in words what it does to me mentally and emotionally to struggle daily with the thought of hurting my daughter.  Unless you've experienced it, there's just now way to describe it.  And some of you may be sitting there thinking, "How can you write so flippantly about it?" and I don't know the answer to that.  I think there's a small part of me that hopes that each time I talk about it, a little chip will fall off this mental burden I'm carrying and, eventually, it will all disappear. I am scheduled to speak (at the mom's group that I attend) about my experience with post-partum depression/anxiety/OCD and I'm starting to realize I'm going to feel like a hypocrite standing up there for the sole reason that I'm not "healed".  Why on earth would these women want to hear what I have to say, if I don't have any answers to give them?

My counsellor, family doctor and I had a meeting yesterday.  Part of it was to bring my doctor up to speed on what's been happening with me so that he can become another support for me.  The other reason was to question whether balancing my hormones was an option to level me out.  After filling him in on the past year (including the specifics of these last few weeks), he hit me over the head with a large, flashing sign that read, "Take the meds, you idiot!".  Okay, so that didn't actually happen, but his immediate response was, more or less, that I should do whatever I have to to guarantee safety.

I left the meeting feeling completely overwhelmed.  I know (and have known for awhile) that taking myself out of the picture is NOT the answer.  But in those dark moments, when that voice comes to me, I feel like I don't have much armor to protect myself with to help get rid of the thought.  Tonight - I found my shield.  IF I was willing to sacrifice my own life for the sake of Katelyn's, that would be huge. It would be beyond stupid, but it would be a huge sacrifice.  Instead, I will sacrifice my personality and possibly a lot of personal relationships (if I lose the real me to the drugs) in order to keep us both safe.

It's just going to be a damn shame if I lose my sense of humour :)