A Major Setback (Updated)

Over the last few weeks, my goal/motto/mantra has been "Wellness" and all that entails.  I felt that I was finally in a stable place, both mentally and emotionally.  With those two major components dealt with, it was time to start tackling the next two - physical and spiritual.  I started attending Weight Watchers (and have lost 11 pounds in my first month thankuverymuch).  I'm eating better, I'm exercising and actually ENJOYING it!  The physical part is going great.

As for the spiritual, I began attending my old church last year.  I'm not going to lie - in the beginning, it was more about dressing Kat up in cute outfits so the older ladies could "ooh!" and "aah!" over her.  Within a few weeks, that all changed and I found I was not only listening to the sermon (instead of drawing on the comment cards like I did when I was fourteen six), but I was also carrying that message with me throughout the week.

I felt I had gained enough confidence to begin attending an "Alpha" course - basically a "Who is Jesus and What's His Schtick" for newbies.  I went to the first meeting and then came home and had a miniature bible study with Mike (yes, I'm still going to use his name) where I reiterated all that I had learned.  Things were going great.  Until this past Sunday.

Although I am extremely open on this blog about many things (read: I overshare a LOT), I can't give all the details on what happened.  All I can say is that it had to do with the sermon and it was horribly traumatic. I am not exaggerating.  I was trapped in that sanctuary, with tears streaming down my face and I couldn't stand up to leave.  I was forced to sit and listen. Finally, I saw my moment of escape and I took it.  I then bawled my eyes out in the bathroom and left the church.

I haven't slept much these last two nights and I find myself spontaneously bursting into tears.  I phoned my counsellor in a panic because I felt like all our hard work over the last two years was coming undone.  I couldn't process anything.  I didn't know how to start peeling back the layers to step back and really assess what had happened.  I have suddenly found myself in this very strange place where I'm unable to analyze anything and it is such a foreign feeling.  I feel completely helpless.

At the moment, I'm ready to turn my back on Christianity once again.  Why would I want to be a part of a religion that deems it acceptable for its members to publicly berate and humiliate other members?  Why would I want to be a part of a church that deems that acceptable?  It's day three of living with this new found...everything....fear, humiliation, guilt, sadness, frustration and anger and it's eating away at me.  What really pisses me off is that I'm supposed to do another presentation on post-partum depression in two weeks and I'm feeling so mentally damaged, I'm not sure if I can go through with it.

It's honestly days like this that I wish I was a pharmacist and could dip my hand in the codeine cookie jar.

Update: My counsellor just emailed to tell me that the conference has been cancelled.  Phew.  I don't have to make the decision whether or not to speak.