My OCD: Part One

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a combination of two things...obsessions and compulsions.  The obsessions are the intrusive, IRRATIONAL, unwanted thoughts.  The compulsions are the behaviours that follow the thoughts in an attempt to get rid of them.  Example: Jane has OCD.  She thinks that if she touches public door handles, she's going to get AIDS and die (there's your obsession part of it).  She does her best to avoid door handles, but she accidentally brushes the back of her hand on one.  When she gets home, she scrubs her hands with hot water and soap.  After drying her hands, she still feels like the germs are on her hand so she scrubs them again.  And again.  And again.  This is the compulsive part.

Germs are something that gross out a lot of people.  Many do their best to not touch anything in a public washroom and most people try to avoid licking shopping cart handles.  If, by chance, you were to touch the door handle of a public bathroom, it would likely gross you out.  You would probably scrub your hands or maybe put on some hand sanitizer, but you'd be able to continue on your merry way.  

With OCD, it's almost like a gear gets stuck in the thought process.  Rather than explain, here's a handy little picture that sums it up nicely:

Make sense?  A person with OCD can't just continue on after they're done the compulsion.  The obsessive thoughts keep coming back and keep causing anxiety.

One misconception I had about OCD before I was diagnosed with it was that I thought it was all about either germs or flicking light switches.  I had no idea how many sub-categories were under the OCD umbrella.

Myself?  I definitely have fear of contamination, but it's somewhat selective.  My anxiety is caused by the thought of "outside" germs contaminating the inside of my house.  This means I can be in public, I can touch shopping cart handles, I can open doors, Kat can even SIT in shopping carts.  My one big rule, though, is you don't touch your face in public (unless you've just washed your hands).  I could touch a door handle that had someone's chewed gum stuck to it and not have a heart attack.  BUT! if you asked me to touch my any part of my face after touching the gum...well, not a chance in France of that happening.  

Once Kat and I return home, there's a decontamination process that we go through.  We have our outside clothes and our inside clothes and they must never serve dual purpose.  As soon as I walk in the door, I scrub my hands.  Then, Kat is stripped of her clothes before she gets into her crib. I make sure NOT to touch her bare body against my outside clothes.  Then, I go change into my inside clothes and return to put Kat in a new outfit.  Only then is my world safe.  Sort of.

I also have a fear of Joel's germs contaminating everything outside of his room.  Yes...I know it sounds horrible, but I can't fix it (not yet, anyways).  There are a lot of bodily fluids that come out of Joel...snot, drool and urine.  Any of his possessions that might have any of these substances on them causes me HUGE amounts of anxiety.  Mike knows that there is only one spot in the kitchen where Joel's items (drinking glasses, lunch bag etc.) are allowed to touch...they can sit on the stove.  This way, I know that Kat's bottles and bowls aren't going to be contaminated.  Again, I know this sounds like it might not make sense, but it's how my brain works.

During 99% of my interactions with Joel, I wear gloves.  Feeding supper, giving drinks, washing hair, brushing teeth, changing his movies...I do it all with gloves on.  In order to not make Joel feel self conscious, I do my best to make a joke out of why I put the gloves on...I snap them on my hands and tell him to bend over.  Luckily, this gets him laughing and diverts his attention.  

The anxiety over Joel's germs continues on into the dishwasher and the washing machine.  There is NO way I could put a lot of our laundry in immediately following a load of Joel's urine-soaked pants.  BUT if two or three days pass in between loads, then in my mind, the germs have dissipated and the washing machine is clean again.  When loading the dishwasher, even though ALL the dishes are dirty, Joel's cups have their own spot on the rack.  Are you seeing some of the irrational bit here?  

Alas, fear of contamination is not the only form of OCD that I suffer, but I've prattled on long enough in this post.  I'll save the really crazy shit for Post Two :)

Enjoy your long weekend everyone...my beautiful sister arrives from Germany tonight and we are off to the lake :)