What I've Learned From Pooping

* Warning:  As this post contains some graphic mental images, I highly suggest you don't read it while eating.  In fact, if you have an iPad or iPod touch, the best place to read this post would be while you're on the toilet.  And don't even pretend like you don't internet while you're on the shitter.  We all know you do it.

Patience is a virtue with which many people struggle.  I am, by no means, an expert on the area, but I think I am further along in my ability to practice it than most.  It was at a very young age that I was able to grasp its concept and apply it to my life.  And it's all thanks to pooping.

You see, when my bowels get into a routine, they run with the same precision as a German train schedule.  When I was in grade three, my bowels decided that 3:45pm was an appropriate time to evacuate on a daily basis.  Unfortunately for me, 3:45pm was when I was only halfway home from school and I still had several blocks to walk.  They were the kind of poops that give you goosebumps and, because you are clenching your bum cheeks so tightly, make you walk like a penguin.

As I was walking home, all I could think was, "Ihavetopoop. Ihavetopoop. Ihavetopoop. Ihavetopoop". After a few days of this, I realized I had two options.  One, I could spend the entire walk focusing on how badly I had to poop or, two, knowing that I was going to eventually get home and be able to poop no matter what I thought about, I could choose to spend the walk home thinking about other things, instead of being consumed with pooping.  With either train of thought, the outcome was going to be the same, so why not choose to spend my time thinking about other things that were more fun?

I've been able to apply my pooping patience throughout my life.  When I'm faced with a situation that I might be stressing over, but that will eventually occur (such as waiting to hear from a job interview or some other stressful life scenario), then I remind myself that there's no point in being completely consumed with what the possible outcome might be when I could, instead, be focused on more meaningful things.

The other thing I've learned from pooping is that everyone does it.  While you might be thinking, "No shit, Sherlock" (pun intended), what I mean by that is that everyone poops.  And now I'm just repeating myself, so what's my point?  My point is that poops come in a variety forms and they don't all make an easy exit.  Some of them require a person to fully strip down, so as not to be restrained by any materials while pushing.  Other poops require some rocking back and forth, while some need your legs to be held straight out in front of you.  Some people need to chant and rub a rosary, while others might need to cross one leg.   In addition to sometimes looking like an epileptic while pooping, there's also the sounds.  And the smells.  I don't think I need to get into detail on those, do I? To sum up...there is nothing elegant about taking a poop.

I keep the above mentioned ideas in mind when I am met with someone who has a holier-than-thou attitude.  Someone who thinks they are better than everyone else.  Someone who is a bully.  Someone who finds personal joy in demeaning other people.  We've all met these kinds of people - it might be another mother at the park who clicks her tongue and rolls her eyes when you mention you didn't breastfeed.  It might be someone behind a desk on a power trip who just wants to make you feel small and unimportant.  It might be that douche bag friend of your husband's who just always has to be right.  About everything.

So, when these self-centered, egotistical people cross my path, I am able to mentally humble them by reminding myself that when they poop, they are on the same level as anyone else who has functioning bowels.  Kind of messed up, but it works for me :)