The One With All The Puking and Crying

There's a good chance I'll have to leave halfway through this post to go to the bathroom to throw up.  No, it's not from the flu :)  I had posted about this back at the beginning of December and then retracted it.  I felt it was too early and, given my paranoid and anxious mind, I didn't want to say anything until a few more weeks had passed.  I'm in the clear and can share the news...I'm totally pregnant :)

I am 13 weeks along, due August 2nd and over the moon excited to give Kat another sibling and my parents another grandchild in Canada.  As with my first pregnancy, the excitement gets over-ridden by the hormones and, once again, I get lost in a world of depression.  When the depressive thoughts mix with my OCD, things take a dark turn and my sole focus becomes not wanting to be alive.  It sucks.  And it's scary. It's almost like being held hostage in my mind because I don't know when it's going to hit.  It would be one thing to be in a lonnnnng, drawn out state of depression and to be actively focused on suicide and making all the necessary preparations.  But that's not me.  I don't want to die.  Killing myself is the most idiotic thing I could ever do (besides picking up hitch hikers with my wee baby in the van...and their dog).

The impulsiveness behind the OCD is cuh-RAZY.  I can go from having a decent-ish day to spending the rest of the afternoon in bed, crying and tracing a line on my wrist.  Like I said...unpredictable and terrifying.  This time around, I have amazing supports in place and I'm not afraid to admit when I'm feeling "off".  My medication has dramatically increased in the last few weeks, in hopes that it will help curb the thoughts.  I am seeing both my counsellor and my psychiatrist on an almost weekly basis.  Mike is doing an amazing job of picking up where I drop off.  Have I mentioned what an incredible husband I have?  I could NOT be doing this without him.

Okay...so, I'm pregnant and crazy.  What else can be thrown into this mix to make things a little more fun? How about some wicked morning sickness?  I've been taking Diclectin for the past month and while it's helping with some of the nausea, it has pretty much lost all effectiveness over the last two weeks.  And when I puke, I puke hard. I puke with such force that I end up with peticheal hemmoraging all over my face.  What is that?  It's thousands of broken capillaries near the surface of my skin.  Basically, I look like I have a constant rash from my forehead, down to below my ears.  Say it with me...."Awwwwe-some!".

The majority of my puking happens in the late afternoon.  If I don't take my Diclectin by a certain time, there seems to be no going back and supper is pretty much a write off.  The other thing that affects my puking is cravings.  I've noticed a correlation between giving in to my cravings and then puking.  Crave-eat-puke.  Crave-eat-puke.  Obviously there's only one sensible conclusion, right?  Eat my cravings faster so that I have more time to enjoy it before it inevitably reappears :)  

So there you have it...pregnant, depressed, anxious and puking.  I am sooo looking forward to when the symphysis pubis kicks in again and it feels like I'm repeatedly being kicked in the crotch.  Ahhhh...the joys of pregnancy :)

This was taken on November 5th, 2011, the day we first found out.  Shortly after this pic was taken, I hammered the rest of the milkshake K is drinking and promptly threw up :)