I had trouble falling asleep last night for two reasons. One, I forgot to take my night time meds until 11:30pm and, by then, it was too late to take them. Two, my brain just wouldn't shut off. I lay there in the dark for a long time, listening to my babies breathe and wondering why shit happens to me.
Part of me wants to go to the dark, nasty place where people are cynical and out to hurt one another and that's the reason my blog was forwarded on to city police. After an emergency counselling sesh this morning, the majority of me (and that's a lot, amiright? Girlfriend got some more pounds to shed…) wants to believe that some concerned citizen out there wanted to help. If I continue beating my head against the wall and going to the dark place, I'm never going to be able to move past this. And I NEED to move past this. Pronto.
I keep replaying opening the door and seeing the officer standing there, with my blog post in his hand. It'll take awhile for the shock of that to wear off. Even as I type this, my heart is speeding up, remembering the moment my brain realized he wasn't a politician, canvassing for an election. And then there's seeing my blog post in his hand. Over and over again. You see, OCD is best described (and I believe it is in the DSMV) as "an awful bitch". You've got your obsessions (or thoughts) that ruminate in your mind, followed by a compulsion (some type of action in an attempt to ward off the obsession) or extreme anxiety. Most of my OCD is followed by anxiety. Except for fingernail issues. If I start to think about my nails breaking off, I have to flick each one of them to remind myself they are still there. Or I have to put band aids on each of my fingers, but it's been awhile since it's come to that. Anyways, these thoughts were replaying in my mind when I woke up this morning and I knew I needed some extra help.
Mike is on days again today which means I'm alone with the kids until 6:30pm. There was no way I was going to be able to make it through the day without seeing one of my counsellors. I phoned my regular counsellor first and luckily, she was able to fit me at 11:00am. We pulled from my past from a time when I was in a situation similar to last night…one that rocked me. I wasn't able to cope back then, but I'm WAY past where I was five years ago. I didn't even cry when I had the police and Mobile Crisis in my house (besides when the one worker had to walk in with his shoes on to check on Andrew…the thought of his outside shoes on my inside floor just about put me on my knees!). We sifted through what was helpful and not helpful. What would keep me safe today and what would put me at risk. We talked about why my home is a safe place and how that got violated last night. Andrew was there with me and happily played with a container of plastic bugs and frogs for the entire hour…I'm so grateful my children are well behaved when I need them to be!
Long story short, I'm doing okay today. Shaken, but not to my core. It'll be awhile yet before I've fully processed all of this. And again, you have no idea how much your comments on here and on FB mean to me! I may not believe that I'm that strong YET, but I am getting there :)
And so it goes...