In The Blink Of An Eye

Tonight I found myself at the kitchen table making a list of Christmas goodies to bake. I had the radio tuned to CBC Radio Two and some jazzy little number was playing in the background. I had just put Joel into bed and I was waiting for the water for tea to come to a boil. And all of a sudden I was hit with barrage of thoughts...when did this happen? When did I grow up? When did I become the head of a household (or co-head)? When did I become this person who has a million responsibilities and can still keep my head screwed on straight (for the most part)? And when did I start liking jazz??

It seems like it was yesterday that my only responsibilities were cleaning up my own supper dishes and helping clean the house once a week. And now I'm the person that pays the bills, stocks the cupboards, earns the paycheque, cleans the house and makes the rules. I should point out that I don't mean that I'm doing this alone and without Mike's help...I just mean when did I go from being a child to being a parent? When did my fears change from being afraid of the dark to being afraid of breast cancer? When did my goals change from wanting the newest, coolest Barbie to wanting an under-the-cupboard radio for the kitchen so I can listen to CBC while I make breakfast? When did I start eating breakfast? When did my imagination die? Why do I no longer believe that Mr. Dress-Up and Barbie would make a good couple since they are the same size (well, on a 20 inch televesion they're the same size)?

I just don't feel like I'm old enough or mature enough to be doing what I'm doing. I'm not responsible enough to have a career and all the responsibilities that go with that. I'm not responsible enough to be raising two children. I'm not responsibile enough to be running a household. I still feel like I'm an immature thirteen year old. Case and point: today, after I got Joel on the bus, I looked around the house and realized that I haven't washed floors in a week, the dishwasher needed to be loaded up and that there were two loads of laundry waiting to be put through. So what did I do? I put my pajamas back on, grabbed some Halloween mini-bars and the portable DVD player and climbed back in to bed to watch Season Two of Grey's Anatomy. And then I napped until lunch time. Yeah...real responsible!

While I was arguing with myself that I should be doing housework instead napping, I realized something...that I need to take advantage of the time I have right now. And I don't mean it in a "seize-the-day" type of attitude as in I might die tomorrow so don't put things off. What I mean is that I need to take advantage of all this extra time that I have on my hands while I still can. I only work two days a week, but I know that soon enough, I will be up to full time hours and wishing that I could go back to having five days off. Plus, we're hoping to add to our family next year and I know I will be looking back at this time and longing to have peace and quiet in the house and the ability to nap whenever I feel like it. And so, just like when George Mallory responded "Because it is there" to the 'Why climb Everest question', why did I choose to nap instead of doing housework? Because I can!