Grody To The Max

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this...it's like some uncontrollable force is compelling me to type and I can't stop it. All morning long, I've talked about nothing else. Mike finally couldn't take it anymore and he stopped just shy of telling me to shut up. So then I phoned my parents and told them. My only regret is that there are no pictures to accompany my tale.

On Friday night, I felt a lump on my inner thigh. It was evidently the beginning of a boil. It was the size of a large marble (toonie sized in width) and extremely tender. I put a bandaid over it to help ease the pain from it rubbing on my other leg. Over the weekend, this little monster grew and grew and grew. I woke up several times each night because as I rolled over, the pressure from my left leg laying on my right was pretty painful (and I cannot sleep on my back).

Fast forward to this morning. As I sat down to go the bathroom, I decided to pull the bandaid off. The lump had grown to the size of a ping pong ball and when the bandid came off, the lump literally exploded. How I'm not vomiting as I type this, I'm just not sure. I'm assuming if you were eating when you started reading this, you're probably not anymore. If you are still eating, I highly recommend that you stop because it only gets more descriptive and just slightly grosser. Here's a play by play of what happened after the lump exploded.

A congealed glob of green slime burst out of the lump and landed on the floor next to the bathroom door (a good 2 1/2 feet away from me). To say the lump began to ooze blood is an understatement...it began to gush. It bled and it bled and it bled until there was a pool of blood the size of my hand on the floor in front of the toilet. I questioned whether I had nicked an artery...the blood was not stopping. You may be asking why I didn't cover the wound with some toilet paper. Well, it's because I didn't have any. Mike was outside working in the garage so I had to wait for him to come and bring some to me. And, yes, I made Mike look. I told him he could not pass up an opportunity to witness this horrific scene. I told him to wait around the corner until I described what was going on (why there was blood all over the floor...just in case he thought I was miscarrying or something). So, with the floor cleaned up and a wad of toilet paper held fast to my leg, I sent Mike out to the van to get our first aid kit so I could patch up my wound.

This afternoon is my first pre-natal appointment with my regular family doctor. I don't really have any questions for him besides whether or not he can lance the rest of the crap out of this thing so I can stop waddling around looking like I just got back from a ten day horseback ride. Even with all the nastiness that spewed out of the lump, it is still the size of a ping pong ball. I'll warn my doctor that he may want to put goggles on.

I am so sorry you had to read that. Now maybe I can stop talking about it. Unless it gets ever grosser this afternoon :-)