On the upside, nothing bugs me. Someone put a fork in with the knives in the dishwasher? Who gives a crap? Joel wants to take all his movies to his mom's house for the weekend? Whatever! Here's a bag to put them in. Mike took my debit card out of my wallet and didn't tell me and I only discovered it when I was standing in line to pay and had to leave my cart full of stuff to go home and get it? Pffff! Doesn't bother me!
I'm thinking it's likely the hormones that are creating this new me. When I think back to the IVF drugs and the surge of hormones they caused, I felt the same way - like I had had a lobotomy and was just floating through the day. The anti-depressants (which I am taking for my obsessive-compulsiveness and not actual depression) aren't up to full speed yet so it's unlikely they are the cause of these feelings. My psychiatrist started me off on a super low dosage so that I wouldn't notice any side effects, and it'll be another two weeks before I'm up to full dosage (and another month after that before they actually kick in).
I wonder if I've gone through my whole life with a too-low level of hormones and that's why I go bat-shit crazy during my monthly moon time or why I can fly off the handle over the shower curtain not being pulled closed after someone is done showering. I've always found it interesting how all these little, insignificant things can set me off and yet when the bigger, real problems come along I'm able to handle them calmly and rationally. Doesn't make much sense.
All I know is that I'm liking the way I feel lately.
I remember feeling that way with Madeline, especially the part about not participating in conversations. I would say it's "mommy brain" kicking in. I think I've mentioned before that there seems to be more space in my brain as soon as I only have two kids with me instead of the three? I think with the first your brain just has to get used to constantly thinking about this new person. Everything takes a backseat, but at the same time you always feel like you're "somewhere" else (ie. brain is on the baby, whether it realizes it or not). Hormones are most likely involved in that process, too. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteIt totally makes sense. When she's awake, my thoughts are consumed with her. When she's asleep, my brain is scrambling to list all the things I can do with my two hours spare time. That doesn't leave much room in the brain for other things right now.
ReplyDeleteOh, I forgot to say:
ReplyDeleteSHE IS SO GROWN UP AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember clearly my first months as a mummy. You described so well what I felt and couldn't really focus on. Hormones, change of life, a new life to grow ATTACHED to you...these are BIG things to handle! No wonder you may have a change or two in your feelings...
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