If You Thought I Was Crazy Before...

A while back, I felt totally disengaged and like I couldn't (or didn't want to) participate in any type of conversation.  These last few weeks, my brain has felt like a popcorn machine - just rapid fire thoughts and feelings that are happening so quick, I can barely string together a complete sentence.  Again, this has affected my conversations because I can't stay focused on any one thought for a proper amount of time.  I'm wondering if this is how people with ADHD feel?  It's almost as though I've hit a bit of a manic stage.

I went to the library this week and checked out several books on OCD.  On one hand, the books have provided a sense of relief in that I am able to feel normal, even though many of my thoughts/actions could be considered 'abnormal'.  On the other hand, as I read through some of the case studies, I'm afraid I'm going to pick up new tendencies or ideas that will create even more anxiety.  While I like that I finally have something that can explain my past behaviours/thoughts, I'm struggling with the question of, "Do I really fit the OCD spectrum?". 

I'm working on making a written list of all the compulsions/obsessions I have either had in the past or currently have.  From what I've got so far, I can see that these compulsions extend beyond checking one's alarm clock three or four times to make sure it is properly set, but they don't stretch to the point where I am unable to function because of them.  I guess that means I'm somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

One current example that comes immediately to mind is this: we were given a Chia Head as a gag gift at Christmas.  I came upon it in the storage room last week and decided to plant it, just for fun.  I was uncomfortable with the act of spreading the seeds in the grooves of the pot.  I had to put gloves on to do it because the seeds were grossing me out.  Once the seeds were in place, I set it on the mantle, in order to receive the best sunlight.  The Chia Head only stayed on the mantle for a couple hours before I ended up throwing it out.  Why?  Because it was bothering me.  I couldn't sit in the living room, knowing those icky, jelly type seeds were sitting in a line in the grooves.  They were creeping me out.  Not only did I throw the Chia Head in the garbage, I had to take the entire kitchen garbage to the outside trash so it was no longer near me.  That is not normal.

As I share my tendencies with my counsellor, I find I end up laughing as I describe them because when I finally say them out loud, they just sound so ridiculous and so absurd.  And while I am comfortable with sharing a LOT of things on this blog, I'm not quite ready to share with you the thoughts that triggered my finally going on the anti-anxiety meds.  I feel embarrassed for ever having thought them, even though I know it wasn't "me" thinking them...it was chemical imbalances making me think them.  When I reach the point of being able to laugh about those thoughts, that's when I'll know I will be ready to share them. 

For now, I'll share these few with you, simply because they make me laugh and I hope they make you laugh too (or, at the very least, you'll shake your head in wonder at how someone so crazy is still able to function):

- When I am crossing a street, I subconcsiously and very slightly turn my knees towards the direction of traffic.  This is so the rear bumper of a vehicle will not catch my knee caps and rip them off.  I know Christine is going to have a good laugh when she reads this :-)

- If I even THINK about handlng a cheese grater or potato peeler, I have to squeeze my eyes shut.  This is because I have the impulse to put the utensil up to my eye and peel away the whites of my eyes.  I told you these were crazy thoughts.

- I cannot eat cheeseballs that have dill on them.  They look like stitches to me.  And yet I was able to watch my doctor remove my lump and stitch me back up...doesn't make sense, does it?  Nothing about OCD makes sense, though.

- As for the cleanliness aspect of my disorder, the toilet seat MUST be down when I flush the toilet.  This is to prevent the minute toilet bubbles/spray from floating up into the air and landing on other surfaces.  Like my toothbrush. GAH!

As I re-read the above tendencies, I can't help but think about Katelyn and how badly am I going to screw her up by passing along things like these.  Poor kid :-)