Something I have to forgive myself for
Wow. Um. I don't know exactly what to write here. The first thing that comes to mind to forgive myself for is, well, just about everything. Like setting standards for myself that I will never be able to reach and then beating myself up when I fail to achieve them.
Before I was even pregnant, I had this picture of what kind of mom I wanted to be (perfect, of course!). For myself, that picture was shredded, stomped on and set on fire when I started having thoughts of hurting Katelyn. Five days into being a new mom and I already felt like a failure. And I am still struggling to come back from that. I think the guilt I carry from suffering from these thoughts is starting to get in the way of becoming the mom I want to be. IF I want to move beyond this, it's not so much that I need to forgive myself for having them (because they are not within my control), but rather I need to forgive myself for setting that standard of what motherhood should be.
I was going to end the post with that, but there is one final thought floating around in my head that is just begging to be written down - isn't it a sad world that we live in when a mother feels like a failure and her baby isn't even a week old? Yes, I understand that motherhood has become a competition and that is truly unfortunate. Where is this pressure to be a perfect mom/wife coming from? Hollywood? Literature? Other moms too afraid to admit their faults? I'm not sure. But what I do know is that it sucks BIG time.
I think all of us moms need to do a self-check as to what sort of image we are presenting to other moms. Sit back and listen the next time you're in a group (whether it be at gymnastics, swim class or any other get together where it's a flock of moms) and see how many mothers are bragging about all the things their three month old has achieved. And then question whether you're partaking in the whole charade. While I understand there is a lot of pride that goes hand in hand with being a mom, I think that pride can very quickly turn into a skewered form of power.
Many months ago, I decided I would not "engage" with other moms who had babes Katelyn's age. I didn't want to play the game of, "Is your daughter sitting up yet? What? She's not? Well, I would take her to a physiotherapist stat!". I also didn't want to know what their babes were doing because it would only add to my guilt by thinking "Well, geez I must be doing something wrong if Katelyn doesn't have any teeth yet - I better go by the $80 baby toothbrush* that stimulates the growth of perfect, straight white teeth". Sad, but true.
Okay, so I kind of got away from the original writing challenge, but it all fits. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cry myself to sleep after yet another day of failing to live up to my own standards :)
*this is not a real product. Yet. Just give it some time and I'm sure some Stepford mom will invent it to make us all feel worse about ourselves.
Sure glad you've decided to "engage" with my and my perfectly "normal for her age" daughter! LOL! I used to think that I had to compete with my babies, now I realize that no one cares. I am happier now.
ReplyDeleteAlisha - I'm glad that I talked with you about "the rules of non-engagement" before I posted this, because I wouldn't want you thinking that it's YOU I'm talking about. While you and I do talk about what the babes might be doing, I don't get the sense we're trying to one-up each other. If you are trying to do that, let me tell you - it's not working LOL.
ReplyDeleteI totally feel you on that. I have a friend who's baby is a week younger than mine. since the pregnancy i feel like she made it some what a competition. When the babies came....it got worse. I get crap from her, the doc and daycare because my son isn't crawling (alot) yet. I do understand he is 10 months old and most children have by now, my oldest had by now, but he just doesn't want to. We work with him, he knows how to, he's done it...he's just such a people watcher. i beat myself on this for a long time...made myself sick. and then i said enough is enough. I know i'm a good mom. I've raised one boy already for 9 years, i have a 17 step daughter that wishes i was her mom...so i must be pretty awesome. keep your head up. just like every baby is different....so is every mom.
ReplyDeleteJesse - it took me a moment to realize you are Shutterbug Mama! lol
ReplyDeleteI guess that's the thing I/we need to keep reminding ourselves - that every babe is different and all in good time they'll hit the strides they're supposed to.
I honestly think it's a power trip for the moms who hold their kids up like trophies. While I will continue to be proud of the achievements Katelyn makes and will make, I NEVER want to be the mom who uses her to boost her own esteem.
Does it make me a bad mom that I can't even remember when my kid hits a "milestone"? :)
ReplyDeleteI was at GymKyds the other night for Palmer and had brought Ellie with me. A mom there asked how old she was. I said 10 months. She then promptly went on to say how glad I should be that SHE wasn't walking yet because HER son walked at 8 months. And that was it. That was the point of her conversation. I didn't know how to respond other than to realize that she was just trying to be an Obvious Hero. She was a wicked mom because her kid walked early and I am not. Those games are not worth my time. I know like everybody else, I am a good mom some days and a not so good mom other days and my kids aren't going to hate me because they started walking "late". I'm sure I'll give them plenty other reasonable reasons to do so in the coming 14-17 years :P
Glad to know that I`m not the only `mom group`boycotter.
ReplyDeleteI get it...I sooooo get it.
ReplyDelete