It's Time For Me

It's no secret I've been in a slump these last two months...especially not to my family.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - Mike is the most incredible husband.  Without a single word of complaint, he always picks up where I drop off.  He takes over the child duties, household duties and works all of his shifts.  I haven't been to work since the end of November.  I don't know when I'm going back.  I'm signed off until the end of January and we'll just take it from there.  When you can't seem to drag yourself out of bed (let alone shower or get properly dressed), work is the least of my worries.  When you're bombarded with thoughts of wanting to die and that the world would be better off without you, work is the last place you want to have a major bout of crying.

It is beyond frustrating to be stuck in this unhealthy place.  I don't want to be here...'here' as in this mental shit hole where I continue to believe that everyone is better than me and my self-worth is non-existant.  There are good moments and even good days, but the darkness always seems to find it's way back to me.  Although I know I am completely armed against these unwanted thoughts (through medication and tools that my counsellor has given me), it just doesn't feel like enough.  Plus, when I'm at the bottom of that hole, I don't always reach for the tools that I should...I just wallow in the darkness and feed it the negative thoughts that it wants.

It is a definite struggle, but I know that it is one that I will win.  Maybe I just need a high dose of medication.  Or maybe it's time for some life changes.  A new job?  A new hobby?  A new house?  I don't know what it will take.  But I do know that I need to start focusing on myself for a change...not in a completely selfish way where all of my needs come first.   I just need to make sure I take time each day to work on becoming healthy - physically, spiritually and mentally.  Whether that means Mike shouting Bible passages at me while I walk on the treadmill or whether I snack on whole-wheat organic goat tofu while I paint my toe nails....oh, yes...it's definitely time for me :)

I think my first step will be getting a slight trim AND getting bangs cut.  If I don't think the bangs are a match for me, I can always pop my trusty black headband back in :)

Ciao for now :)