An Open Letter To My iPhone 4S

I hate you.

Just kidding, iPhone 4S, I love you so much I can't believe I said that I'm so sorry I'll never speak ill of you again. Shhhh, shhhh...here...let me cuddle you.

When you came into my life, dear iPhone 4S, my life was forever changed.  I resisted you for as long as I could...I was afraid of the power you would have over me.  I was afraid that I would completely give myself to you and that there would be no turning back.  Unfortunately, I was right.

The main reason I bought you was so you could be in the hospital with me, after I gave birth to my son.  I paid full price for you and then decided to do a pay-as-you-go plan.  I didn't want unlimited texting.  I only wanted access to the internet and phone.  It didn't take long for you to convince to add a texting plan.  Oh, how you slyly creeped your way further and further into my life.

You are always there for me.  You are the solution to, and cause of, most of the problems in my life.  If I need to know how many tablespoons are in a cup, you're there for me.  If I need someone to help me self-diagnose my latest symptoms of what I believe to be blood cancer, you're there for me.  When I feel the sudden urge to tweet about using Vagisil as a substitute for my daughter's bubble bath, you're there for me.  In fact, every which way I turn, you are there.  Like a creepy uncle at every family reunion.

When I want to have one-on-one time with my daughter while she spins and dances in her childhood innocence, you're there...with your constant beeps, alerting me that I've received a text.  When I'm trying to bath my precious son and enjoy his fleeting newborn days, there you sit...begging me to take a photo and post it on Instagram.  When I'm trying to have a conversation with my husband, after days of not seeing each other, there you are...taunting me to check Facebook, just in case someone in the virtual world has said something of minute importance ("Look, babe...so-and-so has another headache!  Sorry...what were you saying about our ten year goals? Ohmygod...blah-blah is having wheat-fed tofu and free-range quinoa patties for supper! And there's a picture of it! Right...sorry, sorry...you were talking about our life together...continue on").

Did you know that I have severe carpal tunnel syndrome in my right hand?  What's that? Oh, you did know?  Did you also know I'm now basically completely disabled because my right hand is non-functioning due to the CTS and my left hand has you permanently attached to it?  Do you know how hard it is to hold a baby bottle and an iPhone in the same hand? What/s that? You don't care? Oh, you are an evil son-of-a-bitch, aren't you?

You are the reason I don't blog as much anymore.  Because I do the majority of my computer-ing on you, I rarely sit down at the iMac.  And I'm not about to type out a blog post on your wee tiny screen.  Yes, I know you have voice to text features, but when I tried that, the majority of the text ended up being my yelling at my daughter and the general public doesn't need to know the kinds of things I say to her.  So, not only do I hate you (I'm sorry, I don't mean that...I love you), but so now do my readers as well.  You are denying them access to all of my wit and humour.  Yes, I know they could come follow me on Twitter (you do make it so easy to tweet, iPhone 4S), but for some reason, my Twitter Followers aren't increasing.  Their loss, I suppose ;)

Oh, iPhone 4S...you truly are the root of all evil.  But I can't help but love you.

Signed,

Can't Imagine My Life Without You In It, You Addicting Little Minion