I'm Tired, Boss

 I sat down last night and began reading through my blog. I read it from current day backwards and made it to Andrew's birth (August 2012). Let me tell you...I have been through some shit (as if you didn't already know that). I've been in hospital, on and off meds, up and down, back and forth. What I know for sure is that my mental health has been numero uno prevalent in my life and has dictated pretty much every decision I (we) have made.

The reality is...I'm tired of it. I'm tired of checking in with Mike as to how I'm feeling on a scale of 1-10. I'm tired of constantly analyzing how I'm doing and whether I'm high or low. I'm tired of being dependent on meds to get me through the day. I'm tired of daydreaming about jobs I'll never nail down because my anxiety won't let me. I'm tired of having my meds locked up.  I'm tired of letting people down. I'm tired of being a frustration to people. I'm tired of  all of it.

All this to say though...I am a fighter and I'll do it with a smile on my face as though nothing is wrong. I'll continue to fight the good fight and try to find answers. After I posted yesterday, my psychiatrist got a hold of me. I decided to go on one particular mood stabilizer. After reading through my blog, I came across a post in August 2014 that talked about gaining 50 lbs in five months on this specific mood stabilizer. It took me three weeks to get ahold of my psychiatrist the first time...not about to wait another three weeks to tell her I'm not taking this one. FML.

I sat and googled how to combat depression and anxiety naturally. I come back to wanting to go off everything and see my baseline...see who I am without meds. Doing it now while I have employees in the store only makes the most sense. Maybe I could go away to a nice retreat somewhere...a cabin in the mountains where I can play solitaire and detox...wouldn't that be lovely? For now, I'll take my vitamins and put on my oils and do my mindfullness apps. I'm tired, but I'm not giving up :)

And so it goes...