My Current State

 Sooooo....this trend of ups and downs has continued. Obviously my meds on their own are not working so I've decided to go back and give mood stabilizers another try. The only catch is getting a hold of my psychiatrist to get those meds! She's a tough lady to nail down and with each day that passes, I get squirreller and squirrelier. 

My upward trends have me ALL OVER THE MAP. I apply for jobs like they're going out of style. Saskatoon, PA...doesn't matter. I'm a rockstar at interviews by now and typically end up getting the job only to pass on it a week or so in. I'm also back and forth with selling our house. Part of me is in love with two different houses and reallllly wants to move. The other part of me says "NO!" - let's just fix up our place and re-decorate and love it like it's new again.

The ups take their toll on me and my family. Mike isn't sure which is the real me when I'm making a decision and how long something is going to last. Hell, I don't even know which is the real me and how long my fly-by-night ideas will last.  It's very frustrating for Mike and he is constantly telling me to "Dial it back" and refocus.

The thing is, I want more. I love my wee shop and all it symbolizes and does for this family. There's a calmness when you are in there and it serves a great purpose in this community. But I want more. I'm a teacher and I can't just seem to shake that I want to be teaching. If I could let my walls down and get passed my anxiety, I know I'd be a hell of a teacher. Even with the little bit of subbing that I have done, kids have passed me notes saying they love me and wish I was their teacher (and then my heart explodes!). I still have those notes tucked away in my sub bag.

So what now? On Friday morning, I had a great conversation with Mike about "being brave enough to suck at something new" and was all pumped to be on the sub list. And then Friday after school, they yanked school and went to remote teaching until January 18th. My plan? To keep my workers in my store and get back out there and sub and do the best god damned job I can. To connect with the kids and help the ones that are struggling and let them be seen and heard. To give hugs to those that need them. And just be a light in the classroom...even if it's only for a day at a time. I know I'd make an amazing teacher....just gotta get passed my fears first :)

I will use this time between now and January 18th to get levelled off on a mood stabilizer so hopefully the swings aren't so prevalent.

And so it goes...