So, it's been brought to my attention that there are benefits to journalling. I currently have six journals - one to record holidays/birthdays, one for travel, one for bigger life moments (I started it the night I graduated high school), one for gratitude, one for the psych ward and, lastly, one for everyday recording...smaller events. It may sound like a lot, but it's not as though all six are used every day. Actually, as I'm typing, I realize I actually have seven journals - this blog being the seventh.
This blog has been a source of therapy for me over the years. I am grateful for pages of memories to return to when the fogginess of PPD clouds my brain and I can't remember the little moments. This blog has brought people into my life that have become cherished friends...people I have never physically met and might not ever have the chance to meet. It is a record keeper but it also serves as a road map, detailing just how far I've come since I started it in 2007.
I did a post in March 2019, talking about how lost I felt and not sure which direction to go. I threw out options, one of them being a baby store but poo-pooed it...not knowing only seven months later I'd be doing exactly that. And now it's November 2021 and I'm right back to feeling lost. I feel blessed that I have options in front of me to choose from that some people don't. I can rely on my degree and bring in good money. BUT when I look back, I have tried for seven. freaking. years to make a go of subbing and it's just not clicking. When I think about what I'm passionate about, it doesn't involve teaching...especially in a public school setting.
I may not know what my passion is exactly, but I do know what I'm good at and what I enjoy. I love making people laugh. I love connecting with people. I love social media. I'm creative. I'm intelligent. I'm passionate. I'm a problem solver. I'm compassionate. I like being at home. I'm an organizer. AND I like being my own boss! So...what to do with those like/skills? That's the question of my life.
Besides finding one's life passion, I'm still in the process of working on health, both physical and mental. The last two weeks of October saw me fall away from daily walks, but I've been back at it these last three days which is progress! And, I was happy to see this morning that I haven't put back on the 11lbs I lost in Sept/Oct! Healthier eating is working its way into our lives, as well.
As for mental health, I've almost used up my small ration of clonazepam within this last week alone! It got to the point where, on Wednesday, I told Mike I didn't want to be alive anymore...not in a desperate, crisis way...just matter of fact. I don't deal well with stress and my mind goes very dark, very quick as the easiest option to avoid stress/conflict. It's super shitty to go from 0 to 100 in an instant, BUT I've been working on just sitting with my thoughts and actively working on processing them, instead of dwelling in them.
I am so sick and tired of living with such high anxiety. I have a list written out with all the things I can do to distract those thoughts. Go for a walk. Drink some water. Eat some dark chocolate. Take a hot bath/shower. Pet one of my million animals. Journal. Put on essential oils. Meditate. Listen to some pump up music. Find some funny clips to watch. There's a multitude of things I can do besides sit and dwell.
So...all this to pretty much say that I don't know exactly where I am going in this life, but I do know where (or who) I don't want to be.
And so it goes...
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