Where I'm Currently At

 So, it's been brought to my attention that there are benefits to journalling. I currently have six journals - one to record holidays/birthdays, one for travel, one for bigger life moments (I started it the night I graduated high school), one for gratitude, one for the psych ward and, lastly, one for everyday recording...smaller events. It may sound like a lot, but it's not as though all six are used every day. Actually, as I'm typing, I realize I actually have seven journals - this blog being the seventh.

This blog has been a source of therapy for me over the years. I am grateful for pages of memories to return to when the fogginess of PPD clouds my brain and I can't remember the little moments. This blog has brought people into my life that have become cherished friends...people I have never physically met and might not ever have the chance to meet. It is a record keeper but it also serves as a road map, detailing just how far I've come since I started it in 2007.

I did a post in March 2019, talking about how lost I felt and not sure which direction to go. I threw out options, one of them being a baby store but poo-pooed it...not knowing only seven months later I'd be doing exactly that. And now it's November 2021 and I'm right back to feeling lost. I feel blessed that I have options in front of me to choose from that some people don't. I can rely on my degree and bring in good money. BUT when I look back, I have tried for seven. freaking. years to make a go of subbing and it's just not clicking. When I think about what I'm passionate about, it doesn't involve teaching...especially in a public school setting. 

I may not know what my passion is exactly, but I do know what I'm good at and what I enjoy. I love making people laugh. I love connecting with people. I love social media. I'm creative. I'm intelligent. I'm passionate. I'm a problem solver. I'm compassionate. I like being at home. I'm an organizer. AND I like being my own boss! So...what to do with those like/skills? That's the question of my life.

Besides finding one's life passion, I'm still in the process of working on health, both physical and mental. The last two weeks of October saw me fall away from daily walks, but I've been back at it these last three days which is progress! And, I was happy to see this morning that I haven't put back on the 11lbs I lost in Sept/Oct! Healthier eating is working its way into our lives, as well.

As for mental health, I've almost used up my small ration of clonazepam within this last week alone! It got to the point where, on Wednesday, I told Mike I didn't want to be alive anymore...not in a desperate, crisis way...just matter of fact. I don't deal well with stress and my mind goes very dark, very quick as the easiest option to avoid stress/conflict. It's super shitty to go from 0 to 100 in an instant, BUT I've been working on just sitting with my thoughts and actively working on processing them, instead of dwelling in them. 

I am so sick and tired of living with such high anxiety. I have a list written out with all the things I can do to distract those thoughts. Go for a walk. Drink some water. Eat some dark chocolate. Take a hot bath/shower. Pet one of my million animals. Journal. Put on essential oils. Meditate. Listen to some pump up music. Find some funny clips to watch.  There's a multitude of things I can do besides sit and dwell. 

So...all this to pretty much say that I don't know exactly where I am going in this life, but I do know where (or who) I don't want to be.

And so it goes...

Why I TikTok

It's no secret to any of my social media platforms that I've recently become hooked on TikTok. I got into it last year for a bit but then let it fall to the wayside. I made a few about a month ago and got such a great response that I jumped in head first and kept firing them off. I am not an original content creator...I spend a lot of time scrolling through TikTok, looking for the perfect one to recreate (my Mom is so proud)...perhaps too much time. BUT my job allows the necessary downtime to look for said TikToks...well, that and greatly ignoring my children in the evenings to let me find some doozies.

The reason I make the TikToks is two-fold...one, I love making people laugh. I don't mind making an ass of myself to get a giggle. From a young age, I knew I would never be the beautiful, popular friend so I figured if I'm going to be the tagalong, I may as well be the funny one. It's worked well for me. As a teenager, I have memories of making my entire school band laugh. Or my whole ringette team. My best memories of university isn't the parties...it's the one on one time with my bestie when we would skip class to goof off and laugh. He and I made a car commercial for my '85 Toyota Corolla and I have yet to laugh that hard again in my life.

The other reason is for what the tiktoks do for me...in all likelihood, I'm probably laughing the hardest at them. They are an instant mood lifter and, after having lived in darkness for so long, it feels so. damn. good to be in a place of laughter and happiness. For ten long years, my mental health was...what's the best word? unstable. I was a mess on the best of days. Since coming off my meds, I feel like I'm coming into my own and finding what I need to do to stay happy. A fog has been lifted and I've found a community where my humour fits it.

When I first started my store, I had visions of creating a safe space for mamas to talk about their postpartum issues such as depression, anxiety and so on. In my early dark days, I did a few speaking engagements on my experience with depression and suicide attempts. Fast forward a few years and, while once again trying to bring light to these issues via my blog, we had our hands majorly slapped by the police and social services. With that experience, I built up a protective wall and said "Never again". I quit blogging and held my cards close for quite some time. That was only one of a couple of rock bottom times for my husband and I. I never want to be that low again.

So...back to mama meet ups...Covid hit and ix-nayed that. Then I moved into a smaller space which couldn't accommodate a group of moms. As much as I want to bring light and awareness to PPD and give moms a platform to discuss these things, I keep in my mind something crucial - I'm not a psychologist or a counsellor or therapist. I have no credentials to help fix mamas. All I can do is share my experiences and empathize with those who are in the thick of it. So? I've made a bit of a switch...if I can't fix anyone, maybe I can make things a little bit easier and lift the mood. If I can bring a smile to a mamas face and, for 15-20 seconds at a time, make her forget her troubles and anxiety, then I am happy to do just that. I will likely never go viral and I'm okay with that...I'm not in it for the fame. I'm in it for the laughs and man-oh-man, does it ever feel good for this mama's soul!

And so it goes...

Jyl

Five on Friday

 She's been a while since I've done one of these...let's see how it goes :)

1) As online learning for the Littles comes to an end and they are back in school next week, I am getting more and more excited for the opportunity to sub. I have my sub bag ready, my first day's outfit ready to go and my calendar cleared. Like I mentioned before, I am focused on the students and going in with the attitude that it will be the best day ever for all of us.

2) We got our upstairs painted in anticipation of listing our house. Not gonna lie - I miss the orange. It was warm and cozy. This grey is bland and cold. Next up? Getting a new vanity installed and putting the new baseboards on (have to paint them first!).

3) I was in the process of switching counsellors (from a counsellor to a psychologist) for the purposes of "going deeper". I decided that with coming off my meds, now is not the time to rock the boat with digging deeper into issues. So I've decided stay with my current counsellor who knows me better than I know myself ;)

4) Shandi keeps on trucking along, given her old age. She is completely deaf which makes things interesting when she's in our back yard and it's time to come in. Because our yard isn't fenced right to the house, we have to walk her to the gate. We smoke and then it's time to come in. At 11:00 at night, it's clapping hands and whistling and doing everything short of a monkey dance to get her attention to come back in. God bless her aged soul!

5) I cut my hair last week to a shaved sides, longer on top new do and I am in love with it....it is a little bit bad ass and maybe that's the push in the right direction I need to get off my ass and start working out...all in good time!!

And so it goes...

Looking Ahead to 2020-fun

 I think we can all agree 2020 was a bust for a number of reasons. Personal losses. Restrictions. No travelling. Cabins off limits. Forced mask wearing. Animal deaths (so many people's pets died!). It was a no-good, shitty ass year. I'm looking ahead to 2020-fun (as I now call it). 

So....what is going to bring me joy in 2020-fun?

My store: 2020 was actually an amazing year, sales wise. When covid hit, I (like so many other businesses) went online. I delivered within the city. I cut down my shipping costs. I did no-contact pick ups. I was resourceful and it paid off. April, May and June were some of the best months of the year for sales. I am hoping 2020-fun continues to be a success for my wee shop. I have the best employees I could ever hope for and am not sure what I'm going to do when one of them leaves to have her baby in just over two short months! I changed locations back in October and that was the smartest move EVER. I have been busier in my new space (partially thanks to Christmas shopping though), but I think the busy-ness will continue into the new year. After all, babies are constantly being born, so I have that going for me (plus our hospital delivers a ridiculous amount of babies since we serve northern SK). 

My physical health: Every damn year I make the New Years Resolution that THIS WILL BE THE YEAR I LOSE WEIGHT. And every damn New Years Eve that following year, I'm heavier than I was at the beginning of the year. So not fair. I want to be a healthy weight. I am so tired of always being the fattest person in the room. I'm sick of my giant ass belly and giant ass ass. I've signed up with Noom and hoping that by looking at the psychological reason behind why I eat what I do, maybe that will help me stop shovelling donuts and chips down my hatch. I asked for (an received) a new FitBit for Christmas this year. Gotta start somewhere right?

My mental health: I have made the decision to start over. I am going to go off all my meds and see what my baseline is...and then take things from there. See whether all I need is anti-depressant or maybe just some occasional clonazepam. I'm not saying I'm going to live my life med free...I just want to see how I am without any medical interference.  Maybe I'll be okay. Maybe I'll always need my ass injection. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. We shall see how that goes...!!

My career: You're correct if you're thinking "But you already talked about the store...isn't that your career?". Yes and no. The store is a definite passion of mine. I love my shop...how it smells, how it looks (thank you, Breanne!!!), how it sounds and what it stands for. BUT I was made for something more. And I had a revelation. You see, I continue to seek out and apply for other jobs. I actually just found out I've been shortlisted for an interview for a GED position at Gabriel Dumont Institute here in PA (could be a not-too-bad gig). BUT back to my revelation...you see, I've been on the sub list for six years now and I've subbed maybe 20 times in those six years. I'm a newbie at it still. But I was also allowing myself to let fear and anxiety dictate my day. I was anxious over what the other teachers would think of me. I was anxious over what the teacher I'm filling in for would think me. I was anxious over making mistakes and not being able to teach content (in the higher grades). I was worried I wouldn't be able to control the classroom. A few years ago, I was booked to teach a grade one class for a whole week. After one day of what I thought was pure chaos, I backed out. Turns out, grade ones are just chaotic little kids who talk loud and talk often.  But I thought it was me a lack of confidence/control that caused the day to be so loud. AND SO...my revelation...when school gets back in session, I am going to be on that sub list. And I am going to take calls. And I'm not going to give two shits about what other teachers (are totally not) think of me. I'm not going to let fear of not knowing content stop me (I'm great at winging it). What I am going to do is be there for the kids...give hugs and high fives to the ones who need them. Give encouragement and positivity to the ones who feel left out. Smile and laugh with the class clown. And just have some damn fun. I'm not saying this to mean that I'm going to go in in a jokers costume and perform for the kids. What I mean is I am going to relax and just go with the flow. If I have a shit day, then that simply means I don't have to go back to that class if I so choose. I have received some pretty awesome hugs and notes from students after only a day of being in their class. I know (I JUST KNOW) if I could past my own fears and limitations, I would kick some major ass at being a teacher. As I sit and type this, I would love to have my own little class of grade fours or fives some day...that's such a fun age :) So there you go...2020fun is going to be filled with sub jobs :)

Wishing y'all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

And so it goes...

I'm Tired, Boss

 I sat down last night and began reading through my blog. I read it from current day backwards and made it to Andrew's birth (August 2012). Let me tell you...I have been through some shit (as if you didn't already know that). I've been in hospital, on and off meds, up and down, back and forth. What I know for sure is that my mental health has been numero uno prevalent in my life and has dictated pretty much every decision I (we) have made.

The reality is...I'm tired of it. I'm tired of checking in with Mike as to how I'm feeling on a scale of 1-10. I'm tired of constantly analyzing how I'm doing and whether I'm high or low. I'm tired of being dependent on meds to get me through the day. I'm tired of daydreaming about jobs I'll never nail down because my anxiety won't let me. I'm tired of having my meds locked up.  I'm tired of letting people down. I'm tired of being a frustration to people. I'm tired of  all of it.

All this to say though...I am a fighter and I'll do it with a smile on my face as though nothing is wrong. I'll continue to fight the good fight and try to find answers. After I posted yesterday, my psychiatrist got a hold of me. I decided to go on one particular mood stabilizer. After reading through my blog, I came across a post in August 2014 that talked about gaining 50 lbs in five months on this specific mood stabilizer. It took me three weeks to get ahold of my psychiatrist the first time...not about to wait another three weeks to tell her I'm not taking this one. FML.

I sat and googled how to combat depression and anxiety naturally. I come back to wanting to go off everything and see my baseline...see who I am without meds. Doing it now while I have employees in the store only makes the most sense. Maybe I could go away to a nice retreat somewhere...a cabin in the mountains where I can play solitaire and detox...wouldn't that be lovely? For now, I'll take my vitamins and put on my oils and do my mindfullness apps. I'm tired, but I'm not giving up :)

And so it goes...

My Current State

 Sooooo....this trend of ups and downs has continued. Obviously my meds on their own are not working so I've decided to go back and give mood stabilizers another try. The only catch is getting a hold of my psychiatrist to get those meds! She's a tough lady to nail down and with each day that passes, I get squirreller and squirrelier. 

My upward trends have me ALL OVER THE MAP. I apply for jobs like they're going out of style. Saskatoon, PA...doesn't matter. I'm a rockstar at interviews by now and typically end up getting the job only to pass on it a week or so in. I'm also back and forth with selling our house. Part of me is in love with two different houses and reallllly wants to move. The other part of me says "NO!" - let's just fix up our place and re-decorate and love it like it's new again.

The ups take their toll on me and my family. Mike isn't sure which is the real me when I'm making a decision and how long something is going to last. Hell, I don't even know which is the real me and how long my fly-by-night ideas will last.  It's very frustrating for Mike and he is constantly telling me to "Dial it back" and refocus.

The thing is, I want more. I love my wee shop and all it symbolizes and does for this family. There's a calmness when you are in there and it serves a great purpose in this community. But I want more. I'm a teacher and I can't just seem to shake that I want to be teaching. If I could let my walls down and get passed my anxiety, I know I'd be a hell of a teacher. Even with the little bit of subbing that I have done, kids have passed me notes saying they love me and wish I was their teacher (and then my heart explodes!). I still have those notes tucked away in my sub bag.

So what now? On Friday morning, I had a great conversation with Mike about "being brave enough to suck at something new" and was all pumped to be on the sub list. And then Friday after school, they yanked school and went to remote teaching until January 18th. My plan? To keep my workers in my store and get back out there and sub and do the best god damned job I can. To connect with the kids and help the ones that are struggling and let them be seen and heard. To give hugs to those that need them. And just be a light in the classroom...even if it's only for a day at a time. I know I'd make an amazing teacher....just gotta get passed my fears first :)

I will use this time between now and January 18th to get levelled off on a mood stabilizer so hopefully the swings aren't so prevalent.

And so it goes...

The Ups and Downs

Le sigh....

Sooo...my psychiatrist has gone ahead and diagnosed me as being bipolar. I have major ups (anyone else notice these?!? LMAO) followed by periods of OCD flare ups where I am very focused on getting ahold of meds to abuse. It's not necessarily periods of depression where I'm laying in bed and can't do anything. It's suicidal ideation that wreaks havoc on my mind. We have our safety plans in place (have I mentioned how amazing Mike is?!?) and I am able to muster through them unscathed.

I have a tough time accepting the label of bipolar. The ups? They are amazing. I am focused, creative, a little flip floppy, always looking for the next best house/business location/business move/products to bring in etc. I get a lot done and am able to stay on top of the household duties. Mike is wonderful at working in the house as well, but I like him to have little to do when he's in the midst of a twelve hour shifts.

I have been feeling absolutely amazing, besides a super low dip last week. I talked about it with my psychiatrist and decided to add a mood stabilizer to my med regimen. Three days into the new routine and I couldn't stay awake. I was sleeping from 7pm-10am and a two hour nap in the afternoon. So out the window those meds go...yes, they would get rid of the highs but I need to be able to function.

For now? Imma stick with my current med regimen. It's worked for this long and I LIKE being up! Yes, I am wishy washy and able to change my mind in an instant but that's half the fun! I've always been a day dreamer and I like planning out my life based on one idea and then changing course at whip lash speed and onto the next plan. It keeps things interesting, that's for shit sure.

And so it goes...

As I Sit Here This Morning...

As I sit here this morning, preparing for another day in my shop, I can't help but shake my head at how far I've come...those of you that have been along for the ride with my blog, over the past thirteen years, have followed my ups and downs from the start. You've been with me as I experienced my lows and spent times on the ward. You've been with me for the highs as I landed whatever coveted job I was after and all the mundane, in between events.

As I sit here this morning, I have a tough time associating with those dark feelings...the ones that lead me to the hospital after yet another attempt or overdose. While I can recall them vividly and how I felt, it feels so absolutely foreign and almost yucky...I can't believe I was so far gone out of my mind to actually believe I was completely and utterly worthless.

As I sit here this morning, I want more...more happy times, more success, more goodness, more contentedness. I want to continue to spread the word about PPD, OCD, and maternal mental health in general. I can't believe my kids just about lost their mom and Mike his wife...if I could go back and kick my own ass for being so irrational, I would do it in a heart beat.

As I sit here this morning, I am oh-so-thankful I have Mike in my life...I mentioned this in an instagram post that he is my kite string holder...as I flip and flop back and forth, up and down, he stands there, patiently hanging onto my string, waiting for me to come back down. He's been my rock and my solitude...always understanding, always searching out answers along with me, always supporting, never condemning or patronizing.

As I sit here this morning, I am happy.

And so it goes...

Flip Flop - Covid Edition

Whelp...since last writing, there's been a couple of changes. Last post, I was a business owner on Central. Since then, I've become a home business owner and then BACK to Central. I'm nothing if not indecisive :) Allow me to explain...

When COVID hit and I was forced to shut down my pretty little shop, I scrambled...I had bills to pay and a lot of overhead to cover...what was I supposed to do? So, I dug deep and pushed the online and delivery/pick-up portion of my store. I slowly started bringing home more and more products (those that were proving to be most popular) so that I didn't have to keep running down to the store every time an order came in. Eventually, it looked like I had half the store in my living room! March was a disaster month, sales wise. But April rolled around and knocked my sales record out of the park, ALL THANKS to my incredibly supportive customers! They called, they messaged, they commented...inquiring about products with me first and wanting to support local. You have NO IDEA how much I appreciated every. single. transaction.

As April rolled into May, my brain started to formulate a plan...if I could be this successful with online sales, why not just move the business home and save myself the overhead? I was able to talk Mike into the idea. He was resistant at first...a lot. He said no...just stick it out until the lease is over. I said no...I want this and it's happening. I eventually won. Poor Mike...he's sometimes just along for the ride :)

May was another successful month and I was confident in my plan. Then June came along and I lost a potential sale because my business was out of my home. So, I threw it out there to my customers as to which they prefer - online shopping or in person. The results were overwhelming...in a store (not in a house)! After some talks with fellow business owners, I made up my mind (again!) that I was going to stay put on Central. Poor Mike again...now I had to convince him why Central was the better place to be. We (read: he) had already started moving home (and putting up) the grid wall and we redid flooring in the basement in anticipation of the store, as well as some door renos (to keep the cats from being downstairs). Le sigh.

And so? It's the day before my re-opening and I am confident in my decision - Central is the place to be. It is home to my sweet shop (and a lot of other great businesses!). Also? I've got one hell of a husband. And lastly? I should have been a lawyer...I am top notch at arguments and convincing ;)

And so it goes...

Hey Bitchachos....Guess Who's Baaaaack?

Allow me a moment to crack my knuckles and blow the dust off the keyboard...she's been awhile and I have missed you all! Blogging seems to have gone the way of the skinny eyebrow...straight down the shitter. But I have intentions of reviving it...but for that, I will need your help. Or, moreso, your views and comments ;)

I'm not 100% sure what my agenda will be this time around. While I'm out of the clutches of PPD, I still struggle with pretty severe anxiety. The anxiety has cost me several jobs over the years, but those are stories for another time.

For now? Follow along on my journey of being a business owner in PA's downtown core and all the trials and tribulations that go with that. Daily life with a ten-year-old and seven-year-old adds some pretty great stories to the mix, as well as a twenty-year relationship with my partner-in-crime, Mike. And let's not forget the incorrigible Corgi, Shandi...yes, she is still kicking (peeing at the back door but still...kicking).

And, of course, what would this blog be without my typical sign off (y'all know you've missed it)...

And so it goes...