I'm starting to wonder if I'm bi-polar. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a celebrity fanatic and being committed to a pysch centre is now "the new rehab". I'm saying that because my moods take me for a ride better than any roller coaster could ever offer. Six Flags has nothing on my pituitary gland. Take last night for example - I had been putting off the housework while Mike was home and then I was gone to Saskatoon all day yesterday and didn't get home until 9:30pm. I looked around the house and made a list of all the cleaning I would do today. I was dog-tired and ready to climb into bed. I decided I would just tidy up the kitchen so I could wake up to it nice and clean. As I was wiping down the counter, I realized a quick bleaching was in order. I began to move all the things off the back of the counter to wipe down behind them as well. Before I knew it, it was 2:30 in the morning and I had just cleaned the entire upstairs...in my pajamas, no less. I was now totally awake and looking for something else to do. As I was making my way into the basement to put a second coat of paint on Colby's new bedroom, I stopped myself and realized how ludicrous it was and that the paint could wait at least until day light.
Every so often, I go through these "episodes" where nothing can bug me and I am happier than a rainbow-kissed meadow full of frolicking kittens. "What do mean Colby put his fork in the wrong compartment in the dishwasher? I don't care...here, I'll just move it for him! Joel wants his movie changed for the 12th time in five minutes? Gladly! And here's a cupcake while you're waiting! Mike's having a bad day at work? Gimme a minute and I'll see if I can fart some sunshine in your general direction!"
These days are generally followed by a slump where anything and everything ticks me off. There is no in-between. I go from zero to outraged beyond all belief in two seconds flat. Suddenly, Colby's misplacement of his fork is enough for me to want to ground him for the rest of his life (but I still move it and say absolutely nothing). However, Joel's request for a movie change normally gets the response, "You picked it. You watch it for at least a half hour". Mike's having a bad day? Well, boo friggin' hoo...in the words of Justin Timberlake, "Cry me a river".
And the stupid thing is, I know neither of those 'episodes' are the real me. They are my hormones masking who I really am. At least I'm smart enough to recognize the extent to which my hormones affect me. As my anger-o-meter is quickly rising, I can say to myself, "It's just hormones. The situation isn't that bad. Even though the dishwasher is dirty and half-full, and someone has carelessly left a dirty plate on the cupboard does not mean someone's head must roll". That's all fine and dandy except there is nothing I can do to lessen the intensity of my feelings.
The kicker out of all of this is that I show not a single emotion on the outside. No one in the house knows if I'm about to blow my lid, if I'm having a great day or if I'm just so-so. To the onlooker, it would appear as though I am steady-as-she-goes. And I know it can't be healthy to keep this kind of crap bottled up. It can only lead to some ugly scene during a holiday get together where a single wise-ass comment from an in-law will cause me to whip the crystal bowl filled with Martha's Festive Cream Cheese & Sour Cream Mashed Potatoes across the room at which point I would burst into uncontrollable tears and flee the scene. That would not be pretty.
Now, I don't want to send out the impression that this is a weekly cycle where I'm either high as a kite or low as a snake's bum. I can sail through months of relatively normal hormonal cycles where I may be a little more sensitive during my "moon time", but for the most part, all is well. These episodes of which I speak happen maybe two or three times a year. But when they do happen, they control my life for a good two weeks. It would be nice to have the means to take off to a little time share in the Caribbean during that time...
No comments:
Post a Comment