A Little Story About A Car

In an attempt to avoid repetitive use of the words like vagina or poop in the following post, I will instead write a parallel story about a car and the engine troubles she has been experiencing since welcoming her Mini Cooper off the assembly line.  I wish you much luck in deciphering the following story.

Once upon a time, there lived two cars named Blue Car and Pink Car.  The cars fell in love and decided to add onto their little vehicular family.  So, Blue Car put his hood ornament into Pink Car's intake valve and nine months later, a Mini Cooper was added to the lot.  The Mini Cooper was a mechanically sound little car, but, as Pink Car was pushing Mini along the assembly line, she ran into some engine trouble.  A snag in the assembly line caused Pink Car to almost tear right through her pelvic floorboard.  She lost a lot of gas, but eventually recuperated and figured all was well in her engine.

As the months flew by, Pink Car began to notice the "Check Engine" light was flashing more often.  Before the Mini Cooper, when Pink Car had to go in for her scheduled monthly maintenance, the amount of transmission fluid that leaked out was, perhaps, higher than most other pink cars, but not really of any concern.  Pink Car had always been able to find appropriate spark plugs to stem the leak;  after Mini Cooper came along, it was a whole different story.

Within six weeks of welcoming Mini Coop to the lot, Pink Car was surprised that her monthly maintenance was back on schedule so quickly (she had hoped to avoid it for a few more months).  It wasn't so much that the maintenance was back, but rather the volume of transmission fluid that surprised Pink Car.  The old spark plugs just weren't doing their job any more.  In addition to the spark plugs, Pink Car had to put down some oil drop sheets (both the spark plugs and the drop sheets had to be changed and replaced every. single. hour).  Pink Car went into the garage for the night and, when she would wake up in the morning, she was astounded at the amount of tranny fluid all over the floor of the garage.  It looked like someone had driven by and shot the undercarriage all to hell.

Leakage wasn't the only issue Pink Car was experiencing; the size of the plugs was beginning to be of concern as well.  Now, after pushing a mini coop along the assembly line, most pink cars complain that their intake valve has significantly expanded.  Not this Pink Car.  Her intake valve appeared to be shrinking (this was especially obvious when she and Blue Car would get into a fender bender with each other).  So not only did Pink Car have to deal with an outrageous amount of tranny fluid, but she also had to have smaller spark plugs installed.  To this day, she still cannot find small spark plugs that pack the amount of power she needs.

Moving on to the next issue - the exhaust pipe.  In the last few months, Pink Car has noticed an interesting occurance...whenever the exhaust pipe needs to "backfire" (and I'm not talking about air here), Pink Car is made well aware of this fact minutes before it actually happens.  This is because the mud that is travelling down the pipes (I'm so sorry - that's the best analogy I could come up with...let's just pretend Pink Car has been offroading or something) bumps into the pelvic floorboard along the way and causes internal distress for her.  It is quite uncomfortable to say the least.

And, lastly, as if these issues weren't enough to deal with, Pink Car is thinking some of her wiring may be crossed.  There have been a few times in the past few weeks where she has honked her horn (she's had a bit of a cold) and one of two things happen - either the radiator leaks or the exhaust pipe backfires.

All I can say is that at least her headlights are spectacular.