A Graduation Of Sorts

Yesterday marked a big moment for me.  Almost two years ago to the day, I started seeing a counsellor for my ante-partum depression (three weeks into my pregnancy, I was slammed with suicidal thoughts and major bouts of depression).  For the last two years, I have been seeing a wonderful, wonderful counsellor.  I honestly don't think I would be alive today if it weren't for her and the tools with which she provided me. Yesterday was my last appointment with her.  I am finally in a good place and I feel strong enough to stand on my own two feet :)

These last couple of months had some rocky bouts.  I hit the wall in May and a lot of things fell apart BUT I had been monkeying around with my medication and lying about taking it when I wasn't.  I was wanting to prove to myself that I'm better than meds and I don't need them.  I now realize that a diabetic would never think that way and just hope that their pancreas would balance things out eventually.  I can see now that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and medication is necessary.

The depression hasn't so much been "cured", but I at least feel stable now.  I have had consistently good days for all of August.  Me being me, I can't help but question, "Why am I feeling so good?" and "How long is it going to last?".  This last month has been fantastic.  Kat and I have spent many an afternoon in her little pool.  When she naps, I take a cold drink and a book to sit outside and read.  We go for walks in the evening when the day cools off.  When she goes to bed, I retreat to my office to fill orders for my business.  I have been motivated to keep up with housework (Mike says the first sign I'm starting to feel like crap again is when the house completely goes to shit).  I regularly knock things off my "to do" list.  Like I said, it's been a fantastic month.

The one thing that I am not cured of is my obsessive compulsive disorder.  I will do a post on the specifics of my OCD tomorrow.  To lessen the OCD, I need to be on a higher dosage of my meds plus start exposure therapy.  But we are hoping to add another little peanut to our family and I can't be on that high of a dosage while pregnant.  So, I will have to live with the anxiety-inducing thoughts for the next little while, until our family is complete.

For now, it feels strange to not see my counsellor's name written on the calendar for our next appointment.  As yesterday's appointment was coming to an end, I wasn't sure whether we should hug or not.  Besides Mike, this woman knows more about me than anyone else on earth.  There's definitely a bond that has to be in place for those types of things to be shared.  While I don't miss the reason for the visits, I am surely going to miss talking with her.  

To celebrate my return to the land of feeling normal (or as close as one can get), I'm going to treat myself to some peanut butter ice cream :)