Back And Forth

Although I may not publish a post daily, I am constantly formulating posts in my mind.  As the title suggests, I go back and forth between wanting to keep a security blanket around myself and not posting anything too personal, to having (what I hope) are entertaining stories to share.  There are days my brain wants to just shut the blog down and be done with it, while other days it shouts at me, "TELL THEM THE LATEST STORY ABOUT YOUR VAGINA BAHAHAHAHA!".

November, December and January were fairly dark months for me.  In February and for most of March, I felt myself starting to climb out of my depression pit.  As of late, I can feel a heaviness settling in over my heart again.  Actually, given my obese state, it's probably just an undigested hamburger sitting on my heart, but it's heavy nonetheless.

For those that suffer from chronic depression, no explanation is needed.  For those that don't suffer from it, it is a difficult thing to describe.  I've described it to Mike as an unsettling internal itchiness - you know something is wrong, but you're not sure what and you can't physically get at it to fix it.  There are times when it feels as though the depression is choking me...I can't breath and all I want to do is get away from everyone and everything.  I hate hate hate being at the top of that slippery slope, when the itchiness starts.  Part of me wants to fight it with every fiber of my being, in an attempt to stay out of the hole.  But the other bigger part (which would apparently be my ass) wants to just let myself fall in the pit...because it's easier and requires no work.

There's (obviously) a definite shift that takes place when depression settles in.  I'm not talkative.  I'm not (nearly as) funny.  I feel like I suck at everything...parenting, relationships, business-wise and so on.  I beat myself up over everything I do.  I constantly feel like a loser and a failure.  Mike is always able to tell when I'm back out of the depression pit (mainly because I finally put a bra back on and I change out of the ratty, fudgsicle-stained shirt I've had on for the last week and a half).  I talk more...I talk faster...I talk louder.  I am bang-on with all my jokes and humorous observations.  I have drive and motivation.  I am more creative.  There is no negativity when I speak...everything is made up of rainbows and unicorn farts.  Life becomes balanced.

Right now, I feel as though I'm at the edge of that precipice, once again.  One wrong step and I might tumble, ass over tea kettle, back down into the pit.  I am really hoping that tomorrow will help turn things around for me...it's Miss K's day to be at daycare which means it's MY day to get things done.  To get the house clean.  To plan meals.  To grocery shop.  To just get caught up and all the things that can't (or just don't) seem to be done when she is underfoot.

It will be interesting to see which side wins tomorrow...the part that wants to be super-productive and knock things off my To Do list, or the part of me that wants to go buy a Safeway cake and eat it with just my hands.