A few weeks ago, I found myself back in the psych ward for a couple of nights. A downward spiral of thoughts led me (yet again) to believe my children and my husband would be better off with no mother/wife than a crazy one. I am constantly held hostage by my brain. I can be having a perfectly normal day and all it takes is one "off" thought to lead me down a path of destruction. My psychiatrist has been working her butt off in an attempt to find me just the right balance of meds that will hopefully get rid off these suicidal tendencies, once and for all.
Every two weeks, I get an injection in my ass (called Clopixol). It is anti-anxiety drug that has had very calming effects for me. It has worked well to quiet a lot of the crazy thoughts in my mind (but obviously not all of them). After the last trip to the ward, we doubled up on that dose. The side effects can be brutal in the areas of fatigue and muscle pain. The muscle pain kicks in a couple days after the shot and requires me to gobble up the Advil like candy.
On a daily basis, I take Effexor (to keep me up from depression) and clonazepam (another anti-anxiety pill). With the clonazpepam, I was taking them "as needed" but have discovered it's much better to take them at timed intervals throughout the day. This way, there is always some in my system, instead of waiting for it to kick in during stressful times (read: bedtimes).
We are still searching for an appropriate anti-psychotic that works well with me. I was on a drug called Epival which I started taking in February (after my last stint on the ward). When I gained 10lbs on the ward, I knew I didn't like the drug but kept taking it for sanity's sake. Here I now sit, 50lbs heavier, no longer taking the Epival because who needs to be uber fat AND crazy?
I tried taking another med called Carbemazepine (anti-psychotic), but I woke up with joint pain and headaches every morning while taking them. I don't seem to do well with side effects so it has been a bit of a dance, trying to find that final med to finish off my regimen. There are still a few more pills I have yet to try and will make sure I stay away from the ones that cause weight gain!!
My support team and I know that winter is a brutal time for me (it's brutal for all of us here in SK). It is when I hit the lowest of my lows. This year, I refuse to let that happen. I bought myself a "happy light" which is 10,000 lux power and is meant to replicate the sun's rays. I will sit next to it in the mornings for a half hour and again in the evening. I also plan to hammer the Vitamin D pills (2000 IU).
Besides my psych meds, I have bi-weekly visits with my psych nurse (she's the one who administers my ass injection) which are sort of mini-therapy sessions. We do a suicide risk assessment each time she sees me. Some weeks are better than others. If I'm high risk, then we do a suicide safety plan which includes where is my safe place, who I can phone and ways to calm myself.
My mental illness dictates a huge portion of my life. Between meetings with my psych nurse and appointments with my psychiatrist, I see someone pretty much every week. I really really really want to make this winter different from all the others. I want to enjoy my (hopefully) new job as a substitute teacher. I'm looking forward to having a morning routine (lux light, work out, shower, breakfast, get kids up). I'm looking forward to being successful at something again (and wearing awesome clothes to boot). I'm looking forward to being as normal as possible. No...not normal. Normal is boring. I'm looking forward to being the best me I can be :)
Happy Monday Y'all :)
<3 :)
ReplyDelete