Where I've Been

It's been nearly two months since I last posted.  My intentions were to never let this blog sit that long again.  Oops.  Shit happens.  At the beginning of March, my anxiety started to get the better of me.  It caused me to say no to subbing jobs, even though getting out of the house would have been good for me.  It caused me to shy away from the public and spend more time in the house than I should have.  Mike took over the grocery shopping as I didn't feel I could muster up the mental strength to stand in line at Wallyworld.  Thank heavens for wonderful, supportive husbands!

My psychiatrist suggested a med change to a different anti-depressant that had better anti-anxiety side effects.  This would entail going off my Effexor.  I've heard that going off Effexor is comparable to giving up crack.  I wasn't looking forward to it, but figured I could tough it out for a few days while my body went through withdrawals.  It wasn't just a day or two, people.  It was a whole. damn. week.  My brain zapped and zinged with every blink of my eye.  The zaps felt like I'd stuck my finger in a light socket momentarily.  Not fun.  Not fun at all.  My body was sluggish and tired.  I was angry.  Then sad. Then tired.  Then angry again.  It just cycled so rapidly.  It was like PMS times a bajillion.  To say this house was unbearable to live in is an understatement.  When Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.  Bedtimes were brutal.  Baths were short-lived (if they happened at all).  I didn't have the mental capacity to withstand any activity for more than five minutes.  It was pure hell.  My doc gave me ativan and upped my anti-anxiety meds for a short time…to make it through the rough patch.  I would have gone completely bat-shit crazy without them.

My new meds took their sweet time kicking in.  As it is, we just upped them again this week as I'm still not feeling 100%.  Tons of anxiety.  Unable to bath the kids because of scary thoughts that happen while I'm doing it.  If I'm driving on the highway, I want to swerve into every vehicle that passes by.  My OCD is out of control to the point that a few Saturdays ago, I was ready to down a bottle of Robaxacet to put an end to the spiralling thoughts.  Instead, I handed the bottle over to Mike.  He was proud of me.  I was feeling so down I couldn't see the positiveness in what I had just done.  I felt ashamed that I had even bought the bottle in the first place.

I've been attending a group for depression and anxiety for the last few weeks.  It's really helped.  It's nice to be with other people who are experiencing the same things that I am.  I guess misery really does love company :) I look forward to group each week and, being the nerd I am, look forward to the booklets of homework they hand out.  Little booklets of self-discovery and tips and tricks for reducing your depression/anxiety.

Because of the new meds possible interaction with my other meds, she wanted an ECG done.  She phoned with the results and they showed fluid around my heart that was possibly infected.  That scared the bahjeezus out of me.  Here's where the irrational part kicks in…I've lost track of the number of times I've attempted to overdose and yet with this news, I didn't want to die from a heart issue.  Take that, stupid brain.  She ordered another ECG and more blood work.  It was a nerve wracking wait to find out the results.  The second set of ECG results came back normal but blood work still showed an infection somewhere.  We went ahead with upping my meds anyways with another ECG due on Tuesday, just to be sure there is no fluid around my heart.  Fluid around the heart can cause anxiety and swelling in the feet….both of which I've had since March. This would make sense if it was the cause.  We shall see.

In between the bad days, there have been good days.  Days where the kids and I have spent the afternoon out in the backyard, playing in the paddling pool and digging in the dirt.  We try to go for walks to the park after supper, but it doesn't happen every day.  We even made it up to the lake for a night…sometimes a change is as good as rest! As for today? Today, I am calm.  My newly upped anti-anxiety meds are helping with that.  Andrew is playing on the floor behind me and Miss K is out playing with her neighbour buddy.  Tomorrow is Miss K's dance recital so we're looking forward to that…she loves getting her hair and make-up done (what little girl doesn't?).

I've said it before and maybe this time it will hold true…I will try to blog more often.  Even if it's just a blurb or two :)

And so it goes...