A New Normal

I still haz a sad about Andrew and preschool.  But the funny thing is that it didn't send me into a downward spiral as news like that normally would.  Hell, I've been sent into a spiral for lesser things.  My normal train of thought would be something like "He's not ready because YOU FAILED.  YOU'RE A HORRIBLE MOTHER. He's already failing because YOU CAN'T DO YOUR JOB RIGHT.  Why don't you just off yourself and make the world a better place? Everyone would be better off without you around.  Then maybe your son would have a chance to succeed" and on and on and on.  It's a vicious cycle and a horrible way to think…having suicide as an option, justing lying in wait for my mind to break down just the tiniest little bit so it can pounce on me and drag me down.

It felt weird on Wednesday…just being sad without being depressed and having nasty voices in my mind.  It's like I could actually just honour the feelings and then let them go.  Have I reached a new normal with Prozac?  Is this the wonder drug that will now actually let me live my life without Mike worrying about me all the time? Can he finally go to work and leave my pills out, knowing they'll still be there in the morning, all accounted for? Will I finally be able to pick up my own prescriptions from Walmart, instead of it always having to be Mike (as a safety measure)? Will I be able to have normal reactions to events like Wednesday without fear of where my mind will take me? Will we be able to have a scalpel in the house for use on my corns again? So many important questions…especially that last one.  My corns have turned into real bitches lately.

I actually kind of enjoyed it…the quietness of the sadness was a nice change.  There were still lots of questions floating around in my mind, but they were normal questions that any parent in that situation would ask.  What more could I have done to prepare him for pre-school? Will he be ready for year four preschool? If not, will he even be ready for kindergarten?  The answers to most of the questions was "It will be what it will be".  Even tonight, as I watched him play alone in the tub (big sis was in Saskatoon for the day so little brother got the tub all to himself), the sadness came back over all the things he'll miss out on by not being in pre-school…the bowling trip, the trip to Country Fun Farm, the Christmas concert and the list goes on.  But then I shook my head and realized he is a sweet, charming, funny, independent little boy who will grow in his own time and be ready when it is time.

For now, I've got a three year old calling me from his bed that he is "cared" (scared) so I better go check on him.  I plan on getting some snuggles in and not letting this sadness bother me for too much longer.  I've got a little boy who needs his mommy and what matters most is that I'm actually still here for him.

A new normal, indeed.

And so it goes...