On Growing Up

Tonight, as I lay with Katelyn, I began to quietly cry.  As I stroked her slightly tangled hair away from her face, I wondered how many more nights will I get to lay down with her until she falls asleep.  When will be the last time she asks me to do this?  I won't realize it's the last time until it's too late.  I wasn't crying solely for this reason. I was crying because of how much she's grown up in the last few weeks and how much more growing up she has to do.  Before I know it, she'll have graduated high school and be moving onto university, out on her own without me to protect her.

I'm by no means a helicopter parent.  Katelyn is free to play outside on her own, without me sitting on the steps watching.  She can go to the park with the older kids.  But she's not allowed to play on the street and she's very mindful of that.  When we're at the lake, she swims out to the end of the dock all be herself, without me hovering over her, making sure she can touch the bottom.  She's a cautious girl, but not to a fault, although she does like to be Captain Safety in most regards.  Woe is the person who starts moving the vehicle before she's safely buckled in!!

My crying accidentally woke Katelyn up and she became very concerned.  I apologized for waking her and tried to down play why I was crying, but wanted to be honest.  I told her I wanted her to stay little for as long as possible and I was sad that she was growing up and becoming more independent.  She responded with answers that were far too grown-up for her to be saying.  Things like, "But I have to grow up…I can't stay little and just play with friends all day.  I need to learn how to drive and do things like that so I can be an adult" and "I'll phone you everyday when I'm older so you know I got home okay".  My wise baby girl…knowing just what her Mama needs to hear.

After that, Katelyn nestled into me, the smell of her day-old hair scent directly under my chin, her face squished into my neck.  We laid like that for a long time and when I thought Katelyn was finally asleep, I tried to roll her over and off of me.  But she persisted and wanted to stay snuggled.  And then she said exactly what I'd been thinking all along…"Don't go yet, Mama.  I don't know how long you'll be able to lay down with me".  When I questioned her on why I wouldn't be able to lay down with her, she answered, "Because you're getting older too and your back or knees might not let you get down".  It was then that I let a belly laugh go and the force of my laugh bounced Katelyn from my neck.  "I've got a lot of life left in my back and knees, Starshine", I responded.  Miss K seemed satisfied with that answer and rolled over, and snuggled up into her pillow.

I lay in K's bed for a long time tonight, going over our conversation.  Where does a five year old come up with such things?  How can someone so young have so much wisdom? How many more nights will I honestly have, laying down with her? What will bedtimes look like in a month? A year? Two years? I'll lay down with her for as long as she wants/needs me to…even if she's fourteen.  She'll always be my baby.

And so it goes...